I am 35 years old, in great physical health and am taking Zoloft for depression. The medication is really helping me to become emotionally healthy. My problem is that I am dating a 49-year-old man who is also being treated for depression with Zoloft. The medication does not allow us to achieve orgasm often, which is very frustrating. I think this causes tension between us, because we don't want to start something that will leave us both unfulfilled. We have talked about this a lot and feel that our sex life is good even, though we are not able to satisfy each other completely. My boyfriend's doctor has given him Viagra, which helps him achieve an erection, but it still takes him hours to climax, and most of the time he doesn't have the physical energy to last that long. What can we do? --iVillager ''L''

Dear ''L'':

I truly sympathize with your challenge of trying to balance your mental and emotional well-being and still have a happy, satisfying sex life with your sweetie. Don't worry -- there is something you can do about it. First off, I recommend that you and your boyfriend make appointments with your doctors. Explain your situation plainly to them and ask to be given an alternative medication that may have fewer side effects on your sexuality and sexual response cycles. As I am not a medical doctor, I cannot recommend one drug over another. However, many people have had tremendous rebound in their sexuality upon having their doctor switch their antidepressant meds. My hunch is that you will too.

In the meantime, please consider reframing your sexual play together to be less orgasm-focused and more focused on the journey -- the entire shared sexual experience. This can include intercourse, orgasm and ejaculation, if you desire, but they need not be the main events. Instead, think of them as one or two (of many) colors in the sexual experience rainbow. Your partner may want to think about setting new sex goals -- the Tantric Buddhists say that ejaculating every other time you have sex (or even less often) is one way for the man to build and hold his sexual charge for vitality in all areas of his life.

I caution you both not to confuse orgasm with ejaculation, for they are two very separate events. A man can have many, many orgasms without ejaculation, simply by delaying the ejaculation phase of his sexual response cycle every time he approaches the ''point of no return.'' Once men learn this art, they can better focus on appreciating the slow intimate dance of lovemaking for love and pleasure's sake. When the man finally does allow himself to ejaculate -- well, the released orgasm is usually all the greater for both him and his partner because of the long, pleasurable build-up they have shared.

So, please, speak with your doctors, explain your situation and see if there are other medications for depression that can help you lead a more balanced life and have a satisfying sex life, too. Good luck!

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