I have been with my partner for eight years (married for three) and we have a 6 1/2-year-old daughter. My husband always thinks about and wants sex, but I couldn't care less about sex. I want to please my husband and I enjoy sex when we do have it, but getting to that point is the hard part. We have experimented with oils, lotions, candles and even toys, and while I love this playfulness, I never want to have sex. I used to love sex. How can I become more aroused and want sex again? --from iVillager aron2403

Usually, lack of desire is related to either hormones or your sense of self. You may have lost your perception of yourself as a sexual person. I am a big advocate of self-awareness as a path for change, and it might help to spend some time journaling about your feelings and thoughts. It's likely that when you became "mommy" you may have taken on or lost some of the roles that defined you differently before. So getting in touch with the inner you that is sexual may be your key to reviving your sex drive. You can see if this fits your situation by reading the Love Lessons from before and this month.

Also, you could be feeling that there is not enough emotional space between being mother and being wife to feel sexual attraction. There is good book by Dr. Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind, in which he sets up a formula for what creates erotic attraction. He says that erotic attraction requires both excitement and a perceived obstacle. So maybe you and your hubby are too close in some ways to feel the distance that encourages attraction.

If neither of those suggestions applies, I strongly encourage you to seek sex therapy or counseling. You can contact the American Board of Sexology and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists for a listing.

All the best,
Dr. Patti

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