I have this powerful need to fix all the problems in my loved ones' lives. That robs me of my peace of mind. How can I change?

-- Sue

You've already taken the first step, in recognizing that your focus on rescuing or fixing others is detracting from your own well-being. The next step -- and many steps after that -- will involve taking care of yourself and learning that your loved ones are ultimately responsible for the solutions to their own problems.

Small children, of course, are an exception to this rule ... but even children need to learn how to make choices and solve problems on their own when it's realistic for them to do so. And that, of course, requires parents to sometimes watch their children making choices the parents know are bad ones. (This does NOT mean parents should let their children be hit by cars in order to learn not to play in traffic. I'm talking non-life-or-death issues here.)

You might want to think about how you developed this need to fix others' problems, and what might happen -- or what you FEAR might happen -- if you stop. And I mean what you think might happen to YOU, not to them. For instance, some people do things for other people because they feel that's the only reason the others have anything to do with them. They're afraid that if they stop, the others won't like them anymore. Another possibility is to explore whether there's something in your OWN life that you're avoiding by focusing so intensely on others.
Some people who spend a lot of energy trying to control or fix other people's lives grew up in families where one or both parents were ill, or ineffectual, or addicts, or violent. As children they tried to "fix" the dysfunctional parents or solve the family's problems, and they take that habit with them into adulthood. They may even end up married or involved with ill, ineffectual, addicted or violent partners in an unconscious recreation of that old family pattern.

The daughter of an alcoholic, for instance, who spent many hours in childhood taking care of (or dodging) her father, may grow up and marry a man just like dear old dad because that's what she knows. She KNOWS how to be in a relationship with a man she has to take care of, and in some ways that feels comfortable to her. She DOESN'T know how to be in a relationship with a man who's healthy and who considers her needs as important as his. Because the unknown provokes anxiety, people often avoid it.

Some people who focus too much on their loved ones could be considered "co-dependent." That term arose within the alcohol and drug abuse field to describe the spouse of an alcoholic who may enable the other's alcoholism by repeatedly rescuing the alcoholic and shielding him or her from the consequences of his or her behavior. The concept has since been expanded outside the drug and alcohol field.

There have been many books written about co-dependency, and a 12-step program called Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) offers free support groups in many communities. You might check into some of the books -- available in the self-help sections of larger bookstores -- to see if this concept fits you. If so, participation in one of the CoDA groups might help, as could consultation with a therapist skilled in treating co-dependency.