A year ago, I divorced my husband of 21 years. After the divorce I swore I would NEVER again have anything to do with a man socially, sexually or otherwise! However, about six months ago I met the most wonderful man. We are both professionals, though he's just finishing his Ph.D. and I am semi-retired from my self-owned business. I am five years older than him, which does not bother him at all but does bother me somewhat. My problem is that I am so insecure in this relationship and have no reason to be. He tells me daily how lucky he is, how beautiful I am, etc. He has never lied to me, and he does not see other women. Why am I so jealous and insecure? As long as he is with me, I do fine, but when he is gone, I can't concentrate or get motivated. I sit around and wait for him to call, I drink heavily, and I started smoking. These things are totally out of character for me, and they are really starting to frighten me. What should I do?

Denise

It may be that your marriage, and possibly other life experiences, have wounded you in ways that have yet to heal. Six months, or even a year, isn't very long when compared to a 21-year relationship. Getting involved with a new man, no matter how wonderful, may have irritated those wounds, triggering old feelings and fears that you may be attempting to numb with alcohol and nicotine.

I wonder, too, if semi-retirement has left a vacancy in your life that you have not yet filled with self-nurturing activities, leaving a vacuum that worry, drinking and smoking have begun to fill. Unfortunately, the latter kind of behaviors often make matters worse instead of better.

Regardless of the possible reasons for your behavior changes, it certainly sounds like you're feeling miserable in many ways. And I'm sure you're aware that jealousy and insecurity often end up driving away the people we cling to.

What can you do? I'd consider seeing a counselor or therapist to process what you're experiencing and why, and to get support in healing any residual wounds from your marriage, as well as addressing any other issues that might be affecting your feelings about yourself and your relationship. Stop drinking (alcohol is a central nervous system depressant) and smoking. Get regular exercise, which can help regulate mood and decrease anxiety, and work on establishing friendships and activities outside of your relationship with this new man. The more satisfying experiences -- and relationships -- you have in your life, the less dependent you will feel on one relationship. Good luck.