My husband and I are separated for nine months at my urging because I felt things were very wrong. The problem is I have never been sexually attracted to him and basically went through the motions to please him. Once we were in the act, the sex itself was extremely satisfying; no one has ever satisfied me sexually like he does (and I had a lot of experience before we were married). But the initial desire was not there. I have been attracted to other men but have never cheated. Also, he is not a very good kisser, which has always bothered me. Other than that he is a pretty great guy and I'm fairly sure that I'll never find someone so in love with me. We have a four-year-old son and I just turned 40, so if I divorce I will probably never be able to have the second child I want. I am having trouble getting in gear to file for divorce. I get very ambivalent and I'm afraid I may regret it. If he wasn't so nice it would be easier. I do not go out much where I would meet someone new and I feel I could very likely end up single forever because I'm very picky. Is it better to be in a relationship like this or to cut the ties and hope that a better relationship will come along? --Lucy

I'm not sure I understand the reasons you separated from your husband and are contemplating divorce. You say he's a pretty great guy, is nice to you, is in love with you, and satisfies you sexually. You have a four-year-old son together, and if he's a great guy I assume he must also be a good father. You mention that he's not a good kisser and you're not sexually attracted to him (although as you say, once you begin having sex you have no complaints). Is there something else I -- or you -- are missing?

You ask if it's better to stay in such a relationship or cut the ties and hope a better relationship will come along. Keep in mind that you will never be able to completely cut the ties between you and this man, because you have a child together. You will always be connected in some way through your son, even if you divorce.

I wonder what kind of relationship you are hoping for. If it's one in which fireworks are always going off and passion never fades, I hate to tell you this, but that kind of relationship only happens in the movies. In real life, romantic feelings wax and wane, often in conjunction with the realities -- and stresses -- of daily life. If we're lucky (and if we chose our partners well), then love, companionship and mutual interests and commitments carry us through the periods when passion is low.

Some people, though, choose partners based only or primarily on passion or sexual attraction. (Hollywood often glorifies such matches.) They can thus end up with partners with whom they're mismatched every way but sexually. And since most of us spend more time out of bed than in it, that can make for a pretty miserable home life.

It seems to me that you'd benefit from entering therapy to process the questions and concerns you have about your marriage and relationships in general. Although joint sessions with your husband may also help, I'd recommend you consult with someone individually first -- and certainly before you make any decision about divorce. Good luck.