I feel like I have nothing to live for and that no one loves me. Though I know that this most likely isn't true, I can't shake this. I've attempted suicide several times. I don't trust my family, and I don't like to talk to people. I hate what I look like, and I hate who I am. I don't like eating around people, and I choose clothes that make my body seem invisible. Recently I changed my style to Gothic and dyed my hair a dark reddish purple. I have few friends in my real life and I stray to the Internet for my friends. One friend wants me to go to a hospital, but I don't want my family to know anything. I took a test on depression and self-esteem and scored very low. I know they're right in every way. What's wrong with me? What can I do about it? I'm losing my friends over this, and I need some help.

M.D.

I can't say specifically what's going on with you without talking with you personally, but it seems obvious that you are in a great deal of emotional pain, and I'm glad you've reached out. There IS help available, and not necessarily in a hospital. Whether or not your family would need to know depends on your age and whether they would help pay for any therapy.

And therapy is what I strongly encourage. Please find a therapist with whom you can explore and address your self-hatred in all its roots. You may need to talk to a few before you find one who seems like a good match, and it may take a while before you feel OK completely opening up to him or her, but that's normal. If money's an issue, call the community mental health center in your area or other agencies that offer therapy on a sliding scale.

You might also try finding some hobbies or other activities (besides the Internet) that interest you, and in which you can find some pleasure and a sense of mastery. Since you like the dramatic Gothic look, how about pursuing some art, drama, or music classes, or some other creative avenues? Art (in its various forms) can be a powerful means of expressing and working through emotional issues and conflicts.

You might also consider visiting the emotional health chat I facilitate at iVillageHealth from 10-11pm ET on Mondays. Of course I wouldn't recommend the chat session taking the place of therapy, and it isn't an appropriate place to talk about suicide, but it CAN be a place to connect with others who know what it's like to go through what's been called "the dark night of the soul." You're welcome there, and I hope you'll seek out offline assistance as well. It IS possible to heal from whatever has been troubling you.