I am a new mother. I was sexually abused as a child. I want to know what the signs of a sexual abuser are, so I can try and stop history repeating itself with my daughter.

S.L.

There are at least two issues to address in discussing the signs of a sexual abuser or pedophile (one who is sexually attracted to children). One issue is helping protect the child from strangers who might molest him or her, while the other is protecting him or her from abusive family members. I mention both because, as you probably know, although many people assume any danger to their children would come from outside the home or family, unfortunately children are more likely to be abused by someone they know.

I can't tell you the "signs" of a sexual abuser because many pedophiles look quite normal to others -- in fact, they might be upstanding citizens of your community. And while one might become suspicious of adults who seem very fond of children and spend a lot of time with them, there are many adults who do so who do NOT have shady ulterior motives.

You can help protect your daughter, though, by not allowing her to be alone with adults you do not know well and do not trust. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, or "gut feelings," and teach your daughter to listen to hers. This applies even when you or your daughter feel uncomfortable with or mistrustful of a family member. Encourage your daughter to respect her own preferences in regards to physical touch of any kind, and caution her to immediately inform you if any adult wants her to keep a "secret," wants her to do something she doesn't want to do (this may mean you hear about someone trying to make her eat spinach, but that's OK), or makes her feel uneasy. If you were sexually abused by a family member, then for heaven's sake keep her away from that family member.

There's also an issue perhaps even more painful to consider. Some people who were sexually abused as children act out and abuse their own or other children. (Not every child-abuse survivor engages in such behavior, though, and not all pedophiles were themselves sexually abused as children.) If you have any concern that you might harm your daughter in any way (physically, sexually or emotionally), please consult with a therapist experienced with sexual abuse issues ASAP.

I commend you for your concern about protecting your daughter. It may be difficult at times to protect her without smothering her or making her fearful or mistrustful of all men (which would be emotionally damaging), but maintaining that balance is worth the effort. Good luck.