Six years ago, I was raped and left for dead by someone I was close friends with in high school. I have tried many things (support groups, books, etc.) to help me recover. Now I'm married and I'm having trouble with intimacy during sex, which is creating problems in my marriage. Is there something wrong with me? What else can I do? --C

Dear C:

My heart goes out to you and all the others who have suffered from the violence of rape. Your situation is like that of thousands of other women who are violated during a rape experience. While most women do not forget rape, recovery is a necessary and possible step.

First, congratulations on finding and allowing yourself to accept love and kindness from another man. That's a sign of your strength and courage. The one resource I highly recommended in all its forms (books, tapes and workbooks) is The Courage to Heal, available from Amazon.com. It provides a good way to work through your "journey of healing," which begins with acknowledging the crime against your body, mind and spirit, something you have already done. Now that this is out in the open, it's possible for you to begin to do the internal work necessary for you to move on with the rest of your life.

It may help you to know that recovery often includes the following steps:
Recalling the rape Acknowledging it as a part of your history Forgiving the assailant (yes, this is a tough part) Forgiving yourself for what you may believe you did to attract this in the first place (yes, this is another crucial step) Grieving the pain it caused you Reclaiming yourself, which is what you are now trying to do. Often the sheer act of talking about this, especially in a peer group context, can be the fast track back to well-being and sexual pleasure.

Because rape is an act of violence and aggressiveness or power over another person -- and not an erotic act -- the sting is felt when you attempt to share your sexuality. Let yourself do the healing process first, then gently, carefully and with your husband's patient participation, slowly reopen your body to his love. That may be your salvation.