Dear Dr. Patti:

When I was 16 years old, I got married to a very violent man. He was abusive in every way possible. I was raped and beaten every single day for a year, until I was brave enough to leave. I'm 24 now and discovered only two years ago that what my husband did to me was rape. I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and find it hard to be brave with sex. There are a lot of things I still don't feel comfortable doing, and I know it's because of what happened to me. Is there any way to be braver and get over that so I can please my boyfriend more -- without counseling? I would be so grateful to get your advice on this.

J

Dear J:

I am so sorry to read about your horrible sexual traumas of the past. You are one brave woman and a true survivor. I commend you for keeping on, despite your legacy of sexual abuse and violent violation of your rights to your mind, body and spirit. I assume that you have been in a support group or have done some inner work to get to the point of knowing about your past and moving into the present.

Healing from such a history takes time, patience and a gentle approach. I suggest that you find the courage to talk about it with someone who can guide you on your healing journey. Most women (and abused men) have feelings of shame about disclosing this kind of past history to anyone, whether a professional or friend. However, the key to overcoming such trauma is bringing it out into the light. That may mean taking a deep breath, swallowing your pride or shame and finding the "right" counselor in your area. I have the sense that you have a wonderful guy with you now who is the perfect partner for working through the traumatic storms of the past.

I suggest you both talk openly about your vision for your sexual relationship and what is and is not possible right now. Allow him to share his side of the story, too, so that you both feel that you are being honored, heard and respected for your individual wants, needs and experiences. Then take it a baby step at a time and give yourself a chance to grow.