I am a 43-year-old disabled veteran. I am remarried to a wife with two children from a previous marriage, and we have a son together. I had a pathetic, abusive childhood, and now I seem to be repeating the patterns of my childhood. I hated my stepfather, and I feel my own children have grown to hate me. I am not liberal, and I believe in rules almost to a compulsion. I know I am not abusive to them in the way my father beat me, but nowadays it seems that just harsh restriction or verbal hazing is considered abuse. I get so frustrated, I scream and holler profanities because I take it personally when the children misbehave and my wife supports them. Am I in need of serious professional help?

Jay

You may be experiencing a problem common to adults who grew up in abusive homes. Without having had role models for effective, healthy parenting, they often lack some child-rearing skills, and they become frustrated and angry when their children disobey or disrespect them.

Such individuals may not repeat the physical and/or sexual abuse they experienced growing up, but they don't know how to achieve the balance between firmness and flexibility so important in rearing children. Your comment about believing "in rules almost to a compulsion" also reminds me of the tendency of many abuse survivors to grow up with strong needs for control of themselves and others.

I'm sure you understand that despite your frustration, screaming profanities probably just makes the whole situation worse. Let's face it, how much would YOU respect someone who shouted and cursed at you? Fear, maybe -- respect, no. But truly effective and healthy parenting is based on respect, not fear.

Are you in need of serious professional help? Well, I doubt things will get much better without some change on your part, but how you make those changes is up to you. Some ideas that come to mind: taking a parenting class, reading parenting books, working on anger management (whether through self-help books, classes, or counseling), addressing with a therapist your repeating some of the patterns of your abusive childhood. At some point, couples or family therapy might also be helpful. Good luck.