I have a problem with sabotaging opportunities and positive changes or progress I encounter in life. Whenever I have small or large accomplishments like weight loss, job opportunities or a decrease in debt, I seem to mess things up. My family feels I have a fear of success and they think this is why I sometimes don't finish things I start. I want to live a fuller, happier life. I am going to be 29 soon and I don't feel I am living my life to its fullest potential. How do I overcome my self- defeating ways?

-- Sheri

First, I want to clarify a frequent misconception I've found among clients...and among quite a few mental health professionals. That's about the issue of "sabotage" and weight loss. Many people interpret regaining lost weight as a form of relapse or self-sabotage. But in most such cases, the body is simply fighting to defend what it perceives as its natural or optimal weight -- even if that weight is considerably over "ideal" weight -- or reacting to the prolonged semi-starvation of dieting. I hate hearing women criticize themselves for what may very well be a natural process.

That said, if you feel you keep messing up in many areas of your life, it may help to look at your goals and whether they (and your attempts to reach them) are realistic. For instance, almost 100 percent of people who lose weight through dieting gain it back, and sometimes gain more. So I usually recommend that people shift their focus from attempting weight loss to maintaining healthy eating (being sure to include foods you enjoy -- there are no "bad" foods in moderation), regular exercise, and self- acceptance.

You can look at issues regarding debt in a similar way. Are you being realistic in your budgeting? If you're consistently spending more than you're earning, there's no way you're going to stay out of debt. You'd have to decrease your expenses or increase your income, adjusting your lifestyle in some way, to do that.

When it seems like we're sabotaging ourselves or not progressing in certain areas, it can also help to examine whether what we want to attain is actually OUR goal or someone else's. For instance, suppose a student is in jeopardy of flunking out of college or professional school. The problem might be that he or she doesn't really want to be an engineer, or a physician, or a lawyer....that might be mom or dad's dream. The student may actually want to be an artist, or an actor, or a businessperson, or anything but what he or she is studying to be. The floundering may result from the student's heart not being in what he or she is doing, rather than self-sabotage or a fear of success.

To overcome what you feel are self-defeating ways and live to your fullest potential, you will need to be clear about what you truly want and what best suits you. You may be able to determine that by yourself, through keeping a journal or talking with friends or family. If you feel you may have a fear of success, then examine what "success" means to you and any negatives you associate with it. Counseling can also help you clarify what you value and is most meaningful for you and help you attain those goals.