Reading your answers about verbal abuse has helped me greatly, but I have not been able to get the answer I've been looking for. I was the abuser in my relationship. My wife of 17 years has left me. I did not realize what I was doing until she told me she was leaving because of it. It started out as teasing her about her looks and interests. She heard the same things so many times that she began to believe the awful things I said, even though I meant it only in good fun. This ruined her self-esteem, and eventually it ruined our marriage. Now that I am aware of what I have done, I am doing all I can to stop this behavior. I have read as many books as I can get, I talk to people who have suffered from this, and I am even going to therapy for it. My wife says that she does not trust me or my willingness to change. How can I regain her trust so that she will come back to our marriage?

Brad

It sounds as though you're in a situation similar to that of individuals whose affairs or cheating result in their spouses leaving. The offending party may be truly sorry and promise they will never do it again, but the wronged spouse may have a hard time trusting after such betrayal.

You may know that you are going to change your behavior, but your wife may have experienced times in the past when you (or others) promised change but either didn't follow through or relapsed later. The best thing you can do is be consistent in treating her respectfully and caringly. That means allowing her the time and space she needs for her own healing.

You will have to earn your wife's trust again -- and after years of verbal abuse, that trust will probably not come easily. It may not return at all.

But if you do want to win her back, you're on the right track in stopping your behavior, getting therapy, and trying to understand the effects such behavior can have on others. Even if your marriage does not ultimately survive, such work will help you personally, as well as any other relationships you may have.