When I was 18 I dated a man who was very abusive. At the end of our relationship he violently raped me in my living room. We had been together for more than a year, and he knew "the right moves," so I had an orgasm. I have the worst case of guilt over that fact, so much so that I haven't been able to have more than a dozen orgasms since. I'm now 34 years old, and this has ruined every relationship I've had since. Any advice on how to overcome this quilt and enjoy my sex life again?

--iVillager nonzens

Dear friend:

While I am more than happy to make my services available to you here, I'm afraid they're grossly inadequate to meet your needs for sexual healing. I urge you to immediately make an appointment with a qualified sex therapist or sexual assault crisis center (ask your doctor or a trusted friend for a referral, or just look in your yellow pages) to begin the healing work required to fully diffuse the emotional and physical trauma that this event continues to cause you. You deserve to reclaim and celebrate your sexuality in the fullness you desire, and with professional assistance, there's absolutely no reason you can't put this ugly experience behind you once and for all.

Remember that rape is a non-consensual sexual assault against another person's will. Regardless of your past intimacy and sexual history together up until that evening, the experience you've described was far from consensual. You absolutely were sexually violated and assaulted in your living room.

Next Page: Healing Through Daily Affirmations

Please be gentle and stop making yourself feel bad about having had an unexpected orgasm that evening. Many women who have been raped report that, they, too, experienced an orgasm against their will. So is that, then, "proof" that they enjoyed it? Absolutely not! And even though it seems that their body betrayed their emotions, many women still feel guilt and shame over this occurrence, just as you have. Your body experienced a physiological reaction in response to the physical stimulation it received, yet this in no way means that you were unconsciously desiring or enjoying this vicious assault.

On the contrary, rather than responding to emotional enjoyment and satisfaction, your body simply reacted to the intense physical stimulation. This is not at all dissimilar to your body responding to, say, uninvited and unwelcome tickling. While the body may respond to the stimulation of undesired tickling with laughter and giggles physiologically, the sensations are nonetheless unwanted and unpleasurable -- and such stimulation can even cause discomfort or pain. Hopefully from this example of non-consensual tickling you can begin to better understand and accept the distressing orgasm you experienced during your assault.

There is no reason to consider that your body "betrayed" you that evening, or to continue to make yourself feel guilty for having had an orgasm. While it occurred in the course of an assault, the orgasm still doesn't imply that it was either welcomed or desired. Regarding your guilt, please understand that guilt is an internalized response to having violated what we perceive to be our own or society's values. In your case, it is critical that you now make every effort to fully accept that you did absolutely nothing wrong, so for heaven's sake, let this guilt go once and for all and please stop blaming the victim.

It's possible that you've identified all orgasms as "wrong," and yourself wrong for having them, and thus have been subconsciously sabotaging and preventing yourself from experiencing orgasm as punishment. It's also possible that you've come to associate orgasms with the unsettling trauma you experienced, so that it's become difficult to let go when such gut-wrenching fear is associated with doing so. Begin now by forgiving yourself -- and your body -- and repeatedly tell yourself that "in no way whatsoever am I to blame or guilty for what happened," orgasm or no orgasm. Next, begin to reprogram yourself daily, by regularly repeating both out loud and quietly in your head the following affirmations:

• Orgasms are good!
  
• I now give myself permission to fully experience orgasms!
  
• It is safe and healthy for me to have as many orgasms as I possibly can!

Practicing these affirmations plus self-pleasuring will help you reawaken your sexuality in the safety of your own company. Next, please make that phone call to find the professional assistance necessary to assist your healing and finally moving through this painful chapter in your life, towards the healthy relationship you want and deserve with your present beau. Be brave, and remember it's never too late to heal, and the benefits from doing so now will permeate and affect not only your sex life but also your overall individual and partnered mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health and happiness. Please get back to me here with an update of your progress in a few weeks, okay? All the best.

Pleasurably yourz,
Dr. M

Find more information on seeking professinal help on this topic at the Domestic Abuse Resource Center