My husband and I have been married for six years, and he never has wanted intimacy (sex). As for me, I am not ready to give up that part of my life yet. What is my responsibility to him? We have talked about this, and he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He told me he has no desire in that department for me, but he loves me. We live like brother and sister. I don't know if this is something I should learn to live with. Marriage vows do mean something to me, but at the same time I am missing the nurturing portion of life. Is this fair?

D.

You have a right to have a physically intimate marital relationship, just as your husband has a right to NOT be physically intimate against his will. The trouble, of course, is that there's no immediate way to meet both of those needs for the two of you. And no, that's not fair.

You say he's never wanted sex, and that you live like brother and sister. Have you ever had sex at all within your marriage? If not, even the most conservative religious authorities would probably consider your marriage never to have been consummated, so that a "real" marriage does not yet exist. (If you have had sex at least once since the wedding, however, that might be different.)

I hope the two of you will consider seeing a marital therapist to see if there's any way to work out your differences and achieve a more satisfactory physical and emotional relationship. Your husband might also consider getting an evaluation to see if there is any medical reason for his lack of sexual desire. There might also be psychological reasons for low or nonexistent sexual desire, sometimes referred to as sexual anorexia. For instance, depressed people usually have a lowered libido (sex drive), and people who have been sexually traumatized in some way or who grew up in extremely restrictive homes may as a consequence have little desire for physical intimacy.

Another possibility is for you to discuss your situation confidentially with a trusted spiritual advisor (whether minister, priest or rabbi) for insight into the religious perspective about your predicament. If your husband won't go with you for either marital or pastoral counseling, please go by yourself. You may benefit from support and encouragement in determining your needs and how best to meet them. Good luck.