How can I deal more successfully with my husband's verbal abuse? In the presence of other people he speaks to me rudely, in a condescending manner, as if I am a subordinate or his servant. If I confront him about this, he immediately denies it and tells me that I have a big mouth. If I respond to the harshness he says that I aggravate him to even a higher level of rage. He contends that this is his only fault and that I should not say anything. He doesn't realize that this anger only festers in me and has to come out even if it is at a later time. I feel if I allow him to speak to me unkindly or with disrespect then I am allowing the abuse to continue. I want help in ending this type of interaction. I don't think it is healthy for either of us. --Jackie

You're right -- verbal abuse and disrespect are not healthy for individuals or relationships. And children watching a parent regularly disrespected by the other parent learn terrible lessons about the value (or lack of value?) of virtues and skills like courtesy and human kindness. Not to mention that they're quite likely to either begin treating the victimized parent with the disdain -- or outright abuse -- they've seen modeled, or be angry at the offending parent for hurting the other.

Sometimes we can stop others' abusive, manipulative or disrespectful behavior toward us by setting -- and maintaining -- firm limits around such behavior. Those limits may include telling the person outright that we will not put up with such behavior anymore, and ending the conversation (even walking away) if the person continues to behave abusively. We may be able to learn and put into action such skills by reading books on assertiveness or taking a class or course on assertiveness through local adult education programs.

If there is violence involved or threatened, however, it's best to obtain professional help and support from a therapist or domestic violence program, if possible, before making changes that could enrage the abuser and possibly escalate the violence.

Even if physical violence is not an issue, it's important to keep in mind that setting limits with others can cause them to become angry or escalate their verbally abusive behavior. It's the same principle as saying "no" and stopping a toddler who keeps grabbing at the candy rack at the supermarket checkout lane. The frustrated child may cry at having his or her desires stymied. He or she may up the ante by tantruming. And of course, if Mom or Dad give in to stop the crying, they've just taught the child that he or she can get what he or she wants by crying long and hard enough. (Whereas if the "no" is consistently followed through by refusal to give in, the child will eventually learn that Mom or Dad mean business.)

But of course you're talking about a relationship with an adult man, not a toddler, and that makes the situation more complicated. If books or courses on assertiveness and relationships don't seem the ticket, you may want to consult with a therapist or counselor experienced in relationship issues. Counseling can sometimes help us rehearse ways to handle verbal abuse (such as not becoming defensive, which often fuels the abusive cycle). Couples counseling would of course be most beneficial, but if the offending partner refuses to go, the distressed partner -- and even the relationship -- can often benefit from individual therapy.