One of my co-workers with a minor in psychology says my fiance and I are codependent, because we are too mushy and are very close, spending a lot of time together. Please tell me the definition of this word. Neither one of us drink or do drugs. She claims to know it all and I think she is wrong. Please advise. --Debbie

Oh, dear. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Seriously, though, even if your co-worker had a Ph.D. in psychology, it's not appropriate -- heck, it's just plain rude -- to offer unsolicited advice or, in this case, a "diagnosis." And a really wise individual is careful about offering advice to a friend or co-worker even when solicited.

I obviously don't know enough about you to say whether you and your fiance are "codependent." But I can tell you a little about the term and give you some resources to check into that may help you decide for yourself whether it applies to the two of you.

The term "codependent" is one that became popular through the 12-step and addictions movement (Alcoholics Anonymous, for example). It originally was applied to the spouse or partner of a chemically dependent person who, often unwittingly, enabled or helped maintain the chemically dependent person's addiction. For example, partners might cover up for addicts' hangovers by calling them in "sick" at work (rather than letting them assume responsibility for the consequences of their behavior). In such situations the spouse or partner was thought to be "codependent" with the chemically dependent person. Instead of being dependent upon (or addicted to) a substance like alcohol or drugs, the codependent was dependent on or addicted to some aspects of the problematic relationship with the addict.

With time, the term "codependent" has spread and has been applied to other types of relationships besides the addict and spouse. For instance, adults whose parents were alcoholics or addicts but are not addicts themselves may develop codependent behaviors as a result of growing up in a household with an addict.

"Codependence" is not actually a recognized mental disorder, at least as far as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) is concerned. Some people who might be considered "codependent" do, however, meet criteria for other emotional conditions, which can range from depression or anxiety to personality disorders.

There's more to this concept than I can go into here. For more information, look for the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Or, if you're so inclined, check your local phone book for a chapter of Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), a group that can provide helpful support and education.