Can tickling a person be a form of abuse if the person asks it to be stopped? My 15-year-old son was tickling my 12-year-old son (whom he outweighs by around 90 pounds) till he cried and started gagging. I told the older boy three times to stop. Finally he stopped and asked why. At first I just said he shouldn't do it because it hurts his brother, but after he asked me why for the third time, I said it could be considered a form of child abuse. My husband has told me I have a mental problem for saying this and that no one would agree that it is. So who is right? A family member used to tickle me as a child till I would cry in pain and sometimes wet my pants, but my husband says I probably was overreacting.

Glenda

Continuing any behavior that causes pain or discomfort to an individual -- child or adult -- despite pleas to stop is abusive. Tickling may sound like an innocuous activity, and indeed it can be fun and harmless if it's engaged in voluntarily. But it's clear from your description that what both your younger son and you experienced was painful and distressing.

To continue such behavior despite the victim's crying, gagging or wetting their pants borders on sadistic. (Heck, it might even cross the border.) I don't necessarily think Child Protective Services or the equivalent in your area would consider such behavior dangerous enough to intervene, but that certainly DOESN'T mean such behavior should be condoned or minimized.

I believe your older son should have stopped his behavior the first time you told him to, simply because you told him to. I'm concerned that he also didn't seem to understand or accept "because it hurts" his brother as an adequate reason, and that your husband seemed to minimize the whole affair. If your younger son was crying and gagging, what made it so hard for the 15-year-old or your husband to understand he was upset? And why did they ignore or minimize his distress and pleas to stop?

I suggest you talk with your husband again and explain to him that the real issues are your older son's violating your younger son's personal boundaries, ignoring his distress and disobeying a direct order from you. Once you and your husband are on the same wavelength, you might both talk again with your 15-year-old and try to help him understand why such behavior is wrong.

Let's hope your 15-year-old son ultimately can learn a valuable lesson from this experience: It's NOT OKAY to hurt someone intentionally. It doesn't matter if WE think the behavior is not a big deal ("Hey, it's just tickling!") -- what matters is respecting the other person's boundaries.