At the beginning of my relationship, I became aroused just by hearing my wonderful man's voice or by seeing him. Now, even with foreplay, which thank goodness is important to him, I don't get aroused very easily. It takes me forever. It's weird that the things that used to do it for me don't anymore. During sex, I am always thinking to myself, What is happening here? Why can't I get aroused? I end up fantasizing about other things that have nothing to do with the moment at hand. What can I do? --N

Dear N:

One way to address this issue is to face up to the fact that things change over time. Perhaps with this partner, the former cooing of his voice is now like fingernails down the blackboard. Once the romance fades and the reality surfaces, the alluring aspects of a partner can become annoying little distractions. Which is why it's important for a partner to be someone whom you enjoy as much over coffee in the morning as in bed.

If your feelings for your man are not the problem, your thoughts just might be. Instead of allowing yourself to analyze the situation while it is happening, try to redirect your thinking by telling yourself,"Oops, there I go again, thinking about what's going to happen next. Stop it. Get back here." Then let your breathing bring you back to the present and to an awareness of your body. The trick here is to not become a spectator. No one wants to be outside of herself, anxiously looking in on her own sexual experiences. Stay in the present. Focus on your pleasure and your bodily sensations. Think about how his breath and flesh feel, how warm and comfortable the room is, how good the sheet feels against your skin. Replacing any negative harangue with such pleasurable, in-the-moment thoughts should get you on track. If not, you may want to explore this with a competent sexologist. You can find one through www.sexologist.org, or try www.aasect.org for local referrals.