Why do women still think about getting back together with men who have shown, through their words and actions, that they could care less about them? Could it stem from low self-esteem, childhood issues or emotional problems? It just doesn't make rational sense to want someone who has hurt you in your life. Yet often I hear my friends talking about getting back together with someone who I know broke their heart.

L.D.

I wouldn't want to imply every woman would have the same reason(s) for returning to a man who's done her wrong ... but yes, some of the problems you mentioned can play a role. Women who grew up in homes where they were not valued, were emotionally abused or neglected, or physically or sexually abused may grow up feeling that's the only kind of relationship that's possible. They may be drawn to neglectful or abusive men because those kinds of relationships are familiar to them. Most of us automatically avoid the unknown and unfamiliar.

Some women who were abused or neglected as children, or grew up in homes where their mothers were abused even if the children were not, unconsciously seek out similar men in attempts to triumph over their childhood circumstances. They (and other trauma victims) may feel compelled to put themselves in similar abusive or neglectful circumstances again and again, each time believing they'll have a different outcome. It's an attempt to master the past trauma by convincing themselves (and perhaps others) that NOW they have control over the situation. But of course they usually end up being hurt again.

Some women who deny their childhoods were unhappy, neglectful or abusive, or who have amnesia for much of such childhoods, end up in what psychiatrist Richard Kluft has called "sitting duck syndrome" -- repeatedly abused in one relationship after another because they've got blinders on for the warning signs. If they allowed themselves to see (and feel) the danger signals of abuse and neglect, they might recognize those signals were also present in their childhood relationships with parents or siblings, and thus have to face some unpleasant realities about those childhood experiences. They may rather (at an unconscious level) continue to believe their parents were nonabusive, preserving their relationship with their parents at the cost of being able to recognize and respond to hurtful attitudes and behaviors in other relationships.

Another thing to consider is that abusive men (or women) may do a good job of convincing their partners that it's all their (the partner's) fault, and may isolate the partner from other sources of support so their victim is emotionally and financially dependent on them. Such men may lay on the charm and be very contrite after an explosion or breakup in efforts to win their partners back. A woman who's eager to believe her man will change can succumb to gifts and promises and convince herself (or at least try to convince herself) that things will be different from now on. Plus, as you may know, families or cultures in which women are viewed as subservient to men may encourage women to put up with abuse or neglect in order to cling to the man's status, or because divorce is considered shameful.

I hope this helps you understand some reasons women may persist in unhealthy relationships, or repeatedly become involved with abusive men. For more about general relationship dynamics, I recommend books by psychologist Harriet Lerner, such as The Dance of Intimacy. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear also addresses ways in which many women override their intuition and place themselves in dangerous situations and harmful relationships.