I am 27 and have been with my husband for eight years. After the first year, I lost my desire to be sexually active in any way. Hormone tests came back normal. My husband is understandably quite frustrated and feels rejected. I hate for him to feel this way, because I don't think my lack of interest in sex has anything to do with him -- I love him very much. I do have sex with him every now and then. And advice ? --F

Dear F :

I'm sorry you're in such a bind. It seems to me that your first course of action should be to get professional help. I get the sense that something deep inside you is keeping you from connecting with your own sexuality and feeling comfortable with sexual pleasure. You're right that this probably doesn't have anything to do with your mate. If you haven't already, be sure to talk this over in the open, and find ways to assure him that this is about you, not him. Continue to spend quality time together and do whatever else you are comfortable doing to make him feel good and loved until you work this through.

Often when someone feels little or no interest in sex, and there is no hormonal cause, it reflects something internally that is blocking your pleasure. Do you allow yourself to feel pleasure in other ways? Some women who have lost their interest in sex use other forms of pleasure, such as silky lingerie, massage and other forms of self-pampering, to rekindle desire for sexual intimacy with a partner. By reconnecting with your own femininity and reclaiming your body and its ability to experience pleasure, you may rejoin the ranks of the sexually interested.

It's also possible that this is the long-term result of your past. Try to remember the first time you felt shut down sexually and what may have caused that urge. Women (and men) who have suffered sexual abuse or had extreme shame about sex early on can plug back into that well of trauma or grief and heal. The landmark book The Courage to Heal may be a good way to begin your journey back. Normally, though, really healing from a pattern of true sexual trauma or abuse requires therapy or counseling. Visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the American Board of Sexology online to find a therapist near you.

Finally, you may want to try to kick-start your sexual engines by sharing physical pleasures with your honey. One of my favorite videos is The Complete Guide to Intimate Massage, available at my site (www.yoursexcoach.com). It teaches how to use sensual touch as a platform for creating closeness and feeling pleasant sensations. For some couples, the act of sharing a rubdown with scented oils or lotions can allow them time and space for relaxation, reconnection and rekindling of sexual activity.