My wife passed away almost three years ago. At 57, I'm feeling very alone and isolated. My grown son lives about 200 miles away and is very busy with his job. The large church I attend helps, but most of the activities are couples-oriented. The singles are all younger than me, and the women my age are all divorcees who often have a rather negative attitude toward men. It is not like being single and 17. I don't go to bars. Any suggestions?

Jim

My condolences on the loss of your wife. I can understand your dilemma. Men often have a harder time socially adjusting to the death of a spouse than do women. That's because women are usually the emotional and social anchors of the family. Thus, when they die, their husbands can feel emotionally and socially adrift. Women usually have more extensive support systems in place to help them with their grief, though of course for both genders the pain of losing of a spouse is tremendous.

Since your church does provide you with a caring community, perhaps you could talk to your minister about starting a group or some kind of activity for widows and widowers. Women who have also lost a spouse might be easier for you to connect with, as well as less bitter about men than are many divorcees.

If there aren't enough such folks in your church, consider advertising such a program to other churches in your area, or to the community at large. Perhaps your church would be willing to host a community-wide social program or support group for widows and widowers as a service to that population. Or you could arrange for a local restaurant to host a weekly or monthly gathering for widows and widowers.

By the way, because of the difference in the average lifespan of men and women, there tend to be more older widows than there are widowers. If you don't mind dating older women, I suspect there's a pool of 60ish widows out there who would LOVE the attention of an eligible man. Put on your dancing shoes, set your sights a few years older, and the world may just be your oyster.