I was diagnosed with cervical cancer a month ago. I had a hysterectomy and am now undergoing radiation treatments and chemotherapy. I have noticed my husband withdrawing from me and he seems so distant. When I asked him why, he said he thinks it is because he is going to lose me, so unconsciously he has pulled away, and now he feels very lonely too. Is this normal? What can I do to help him?

Kelly

When a family is hit by the sudden death or serious illness of one of its members, the emotional shock may affect each individual in different ways. Some may withdraw, some may fall apart, others may go into denial.
Those who have been accustomed to receiving most of their support from within the family -- as is often the case with men, who frequently depend upon their wives for emotional nourishment -- may be doubly affected by such tragedy. The person serving as their emotional lifeline is no longer available to them because she's overwhelmed by her own grief and shock (or illness). Anne Tyler's novel "The Accidental Tourist" illustrates the sad fate of a marriage that falls apart when the only child is killed. The parents are too devastated by their son's death to attend to each other, and end up divorcing.

When one person fears the other will leave, he or she will often try to reject the other first, consciously or unconsciously. Therapists often see this when they need to stop seeing clients because of job changes or relocations. Once the therapist announces she will no longer be able to see a client past a certain date, the client will often drop out of therapy. It's as if the client is saying, "I'll abandon you before you can abandon me." These feelings can occur even when the client knows perfectly well that the therapist isn't intentionally rejecting her. The mind may know the literal truth, but the heart resonates to old wounds sustained in earlier relationships.

What can you do to help your husband -- and yourself? One possibility is to draw upon outside sources of support for both of you, such as friends, family, counselors or spiritual guidance. That way each of you will not be solely dependent upon the other for emotional support. Consider finding a support group for cancer patients/survivors for yourself, and one for spouses for your husband.

Talk honestly with your husband about how you're feeling. Ask him what he wants from you (besides your return to good health), and tell him what you want from him. Understand that both of you may need some time to assimilate the emotional shock of your diagnosis and treatment. Good luck.