I've recently had an abortion that has been very difficult to recover from. I feel that anyone who I am with in the future will judge me on this, and I will lose them. Do you think I am overreacting or being sensible?

N.B.

I suspect you are overreacting somewhat, but I can't say for sure without talking with you personally. A lot depends on the environment and culture in which you live. If you live in a religiously fundamental country in which everyone considers abortion a sin, then yes, perhaps many people would judge you. But in America, for instance, there is a wide range of attitudes toward abortion.

There are countless women in America (and, probably, other countries) who have had abortions and go on to find loving partners who understand and accept the circumstances and reasoning behind the abortions. Of course, some women choose to keep such aspects of their history secret -- but in doing so they risk damaging their relationships by not being honest.

I suspect that men who truly care about the women they're involved with will not reject them for having abortions, unless strong religious beliefs are involved and are at odds with those of the women. However, some men (especially conservative or insecure ones) do struggle with the knowledge that women have been sexually involved with someone besides them, and find the news of past abortions difficult to adjust to because it reminds them that other men have had sex with their girlfriends/wives. (And, of course, they may wonder how they measure up to the ghosts in the bedroom.)

Sometimes, though, when we fear rejection by others we are actually projecting our own feelings onto real or potential partners. In other words, how we feel about ourselves can affect how we expect others to react to us. If we don't like ourselves or something we've done, we might (perhaps unconsciously) expect others to feel the same way. In such cases our fears of potential rejection can often be resolved by directly working on and resolving how WE feel about ourselves. It's possible, therefore, that your concerns about losing anyone who finds out about your abortion may abate once your own feelings on the issue have healed. If you continue to find it difficult to achieve such healing on your own, perhaps a support group or individual counseling might help.