My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We are engaged and soon will be married. However, he is extremely jealous. If I dance with another person or even talk to another male friend he overreacts. This has led to a lot of arguments, and last time he threw a glass against the wall. I'm afraid that it will continue to get worse. I have talked to him about it, but that doesn't seem to work. I was thinking about taking him to a psychologist, but if he refuses to recognize his problems, will therapy help? How do I convince him that he has a problem?

--J.

I definitely recommend your seeing a psychologist or another licensed mental health professional who can help you assess the potential for your relationship developing into a physically abusive one. If your boyfriend won't go with you, GO BY YOURSELF. But GO ... and go before you are married.

The behaviors you describe -- jealousy, "overreacting," arguments and destroying property (the glass he threw against the wall) -- are similar to behaviors exhibited by men (or, less frequently, women) who escalate attempts to control their partners through emotional abuse to attempts to control them through physical violence. In short, you are wise to be afraid that his behavior will get worse. Similar behavior has paved the way to broken bones and terror for many women.

If you can get your boyfriend to see a psychologist or other therapist -- with you or alone -- please do so. Sometimes even people who are dragged into therapy feeling they can do no wrong come to see the role they are playing in the problems in their lives and the need for change.

If in therapy he still refuses to view his behavior as a problem, however, then therapy won't help. That is, it won't help HIM ... but it could help you. Even if his behavior never worsens but continues at its present level, ask yourself: "Do I want to live this way for the rest of my life?"

If you decide to end the relationship, be forewarned that abusive men sometimes react to their partners' attempts to leave by escalating the violence. Again, a therapist could help you evaluate and plan for that contingency.