I am married to a habitual liar. This has damaged the trust and respect in our marriage. I've been patient for 10 years now to see if things would get better. I'm beginning to realize that maybe he will always be a liar. What makes people this way? And is it possible for them to stop? Am I being codependent by sticking around so long even though his behavior is unacceptable?

R.B.

I can't say for certain what's behind your husband's behavior without talking with him personally. There are many possible reasons someone might habitually lie. I can certainly understand, however, how chronic lying could damage the trust in a marriage -- or any relationship, for that matter. In fact, the rational approach to chronic liars WOULD be not to trust them, because they've repeatedly demonstrated their promises are worthless.

Can an habitual liar stop that behavior? Well, I wouldn't have become a therapist if I didn't believe people were capable of change. Some people whose lies are primarily associated with alcohol or drug abuse, for instance, may change once they became sober and start working on any underlying personal issues (whether through a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or through individual counseling). In other people, dissociative amnesia for some behaviors leads them to vehemently deny activities other people have witnessed -- making them seem like they're lying, although they really believe they're telling the truth; such people can behave much differently once any underlying dissociative process is identified and addressed through therapy.

If the lying is an ingrained pattern associated with antisocial personality disorder or sociopathy, however, change may be more difficult. And some people do choose NOT to change, or refuse to seek help that might result in personal transformation.

Are you being codependent in staying with a man whose habitual lying has eroded your relationship? I think the real question is not whether you fit criteria for some label, but whether you want to continue in a relationship with a man whose behavior is unacceptable to you.

If he (and you) honestly want to salvage your marriage, consider seeing a counselor with whom you both can be totally frank about his lying and its effect. (As well as being up-front, of course, about any other aspects of your marriage with which you are dissatisfied.) If your husband refuses to see a therapist (either individually or jointly with you) and continues to lie, you may need to decide whether the pain of continuing to live with him might outweigh the pain of living without him. That's a tough call, best made after processing the pros and cons thoroughly either by yourself or with a safe, supportive other, such as a good friend, a minister or rabbi, or a therapist. Good luck.