My husband had two breakdowns, a year apart. It cost me everything I owned to help him, but I didn't care. I loved, adored, worshiped him. His shrinks said I was the best wife in the world, so kind and loving. I found out later he had had sex with many women while in the mental hospitals, and he was schizophrenic. He's 19 years younger than me and gorgeous. I look and feel young. Three years ago, he went out to get our car fixed, and I haven't heard from him since. It almost killed me that he could just walk away. I haven't divorced him; I don't know why. I waited one year, then resumed dating and have had many sexual affairs. But nobody can be HIM for me. What can I do to get over him and get on with my life?

--Dianne

There are several possibilities that come to mind to help you move on in your life, but only you can decide which is the right course for you. One option, of course, is to talk to an attorney about filing for divorce. Your reluctance to file for divorce may be a way of "hanging on" to the marriage you wish you still had.

You indicate that you've moved on behaviorally -- having sex with other men -- but not emotionally. You might consider holding off on further relationships (sexual or otherwise) until you have resolved the issues around your marriage. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting into another unhealthy relationship.

Please consider talking with a therapist about your relationship with your husband -- how you came to be involved with him, what attracted you to him (and still attracts you), why you sacrificed so much for him. On the surface, it may seem noble or nurturing to give up everything to take care of (or try to take care of) another person, but often those efforts are part of an overall unhealthy relationship pattern and can backfire or be counterproductive. (I don't know if that's true in your case, but it might be worth exploring.)

For instance, some women stay with alcoholic or addicted men for years, trying to change them or take care of them. The women may have little self-worth and think they would be unable to find another relationship, and they would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than be alone. Sometimes the women (of course, this can happen to men, too) are repeating old patterns from childhood, in which they may have taken care of an alcoholic, sick or disabled parent and come to feel that is normal. Other times, the women may be so focused on certain glamourous aspects of their partners, such as good looks, charm, wealth or power, that they are blind to -- or in denial about -- negative characteristics such as mental instability, infidelity or violence.

You might also consider joining a support group for recently divorced or separated women. If your community has a YWCA or community mental health center, the staff there might be able to direct you to an appropriate group. Such a group could help you grieve the loss of your husband, which may ultimately be necessary for you to accept the end of the relationship and get on with your life.